I got a peaceful, easy feeling...

Today I stuffed a pillow up under my tee shirt.
I make a really cute pregnant lady.

I'm not ready for it though.

I don't know how I'm going to go get a test. I don't have a car. I want to get a blood test because they're more accurate... so either planned parenthood or the hospital. which are both about equal in distance from me in opposite directions.
I fasted yesterday for the first time since, well... since I got my patriarchal blessing. At least, this is the first time I've fasted with a purpose. The first time in two years since I've begun and ended a fast with prayer.
Throughout all of my church meetings I was praying. Constantly praying. Asking whether or not I am pregnant over and over. It became apparent to me that that wasn't going to get me a direct answer so instead I asked for a feeling. "If I am pregnant, please make me feel really uneasy... and if I'm not, let me feel at peace." I must have said that, rewording it every once in a while to make sure there wasn't a loophole, a good ten or twelve times over the course of three hours and every time I asked I felt like someone had put a warm blanket over me. After a while I realized that I wasn't going to get the uneasy feeling at all. I was relaxed and calm, and everything was okay. I was very specific in my prayers. I am worried though, that instead of a "you're not pregnant" feeling, it was an "everything is going to be alright" feeling. But I was very specific. Please, God, don't prove me wrong.
So today I prayed again... a lot. I prayed and cried. I still got that peaceful feeling. And then I don't know, I just felt like I needed a more specific answer, so I turned to the scriptures. The first one I happened upon was 2nd Nephi 9:35, which read:

35. Wo unto the murderer who deliberately killeth, for he shall die.

Awesome. Well there's my answer about abortion.
I kept looking to find an answer about me being pregnant, but got nothing. I kept running into atonement scriptures though, over and over. That's a sign, I'm sure, that it's time to repent. I know it is. But do you have any idea how hard it is to get a spare second of privacy in an apartment with five other girls?

Anyway, today I saw Steven again. I can't seem to avoid him.
He later sent me a text saying, "I want you to know that I have changed... not for you or anyone else but for me and the Lord. I am going to go on a mission... set in stone. Regardless of what happens I will always care about you and wish you the best. I am sad that this all happened. I want to know when you find out about your period and stuff if you want to."
I didn't answer. I had nothing to say that would be positive.
Two weeks ago he was talking to CaiLie about her boyfriend deciding on whether or not he would serve a mission. Steven said, and I quote, "Excuse my language, but fuck missions."
This was about two weeks ago. You don't just make that drastic of a change in two weeks. You just don't.

Well that's that I suppose... I went to my first class after just rolling out of bed and putting on a pair of jeans today. Then I went home and got all cleaned up and gorgeous for choir... and guess who sat next to me? Yes, dearest Josh. I wonder though, if I've scared him off. He hasn't mentioned hanging out since mid-last week. Ah well, whatever. I looked pretty today.
Acting was fantastic. We've been working on a script from The Lady From the Sea. The show is about, in a nutshell, a woman who fell in love with a man at sea. She thought she'd never see him again so she married Wangel. Well.. this man at sea? She's still in love with him. And she starts seeing visions of him. And her husband knows... In the scene we're working on, the woman (Ellida), is waiting for the ship that the man from sea is supposedly aboard. In order to prepare for this scene, we did TMATTY exercises- "Tell Me About The Time You..." Today, to tie it into our script, the boys were asked to describe a time that they were desperately in love with a girl, but realized that they weren't the one that would make her happy. The girls were asked to describe a time when they were fond of a boy, but had to tell them that they weren't the right one for them. My mind instantly turned to Me, loving Jeremiah and dating Steven. I relate to Ellida, Steven would be Wangel and Jeremiah would be the mysterious sea man that I never got over. I hope that I don't end up like her... losing my mind and imagining visions of Miah appearing to me... Needless to say, I really connect to this piece. Thankfully. It made performing a lot easier.
Afterwards, I visited with Grant and Tamsy for a while then ran home to eat and change into my paintin' clothes. I went back to the Eccles to work on the Frog and Toad set... painted an ugly mustard yellow fireplace. Cleaned with Roz. Drank a Dr. Pepper. And now I'm here.
Isn't that exciting?
I think I'll have Francini take me to the hospital tomorrow for a blood test.
I'll let you know.