First of all, happy halloween. I should be out partying because I'm in college. The big party was last night- and what a blast! :) I haven't been to a dance with a group of girls in a long time. Here's the picture... L to R- yours truly, as a 20's flapper; Sarryn... as a "push-pop"; Ariel, who is supposed to be a jazzercise aerobics instructor from the 80's; Francini as a "Freak" (note, crazy hair); and finally Lauren as a nerd. We had so much fun.
Now as far as the whole steven situation goes... Well... to pick up where I left off the other day. He and I talked, and he decided to let me keep the necklace after all. Okay, cool. We thought we had reached an agreement and all was well. I can't even tell you how annoyed I have been by this whole situation. So that was the last straw for me... one more issue with steven and I was going to break. I couldn't take him any more. After I thought we had everything figured out, he started back up texting me all the time and showing up randomly at my place. He then told me he was coming to the halloween stomp once he got off of work and wanted to match me there (like we'd planned). And I don't know why... it just bugged me. A lot. My roommates thought it was weird too. I mean... It bugged me... because I was planning on going with the girls. But I said alright, that's fine, text me when you get off. Once at the dance, about an hour and a half into it, he sent me a text asking about the dance. I told him straight up that there weren't many people there and it was mostly rap music. Which were both extremely true. But I knew he wouldn't come if I said that. So he said he'd just go home and read.
After the dance he kept texting me and bothering me and asking to hang out when really all I wanted to do was go to bed. I needed space. I was being smothered. so finally I sent him a text saying, "sweetheart. I need a little space. I've seen you twice today and once yesterday. and you want to go trick-or-treating tomorrow. I just need a breather. You know I adore you though." Well, that set him off.
Today he came back for that necklace, and I willingly gave it to him. I don't want it back. He said that he "couldn't justify the expense." I AM SO DONE. That, and the whole cheating on me thing... It'll take a while for me to recover.
I'm considering becoming a nun.
I hate men.
And the best part? Ho, ho... get this: I may be pregnant with his child.
Yes, you heard me.
Yes, we've had sex. Oh my hell, when will I learn?! It was a mistake and I hate myself for it. It was about 90% of why I ended it with him too. But now, things may be more complicated... We did it about four weeks ago today. So if I really am pregnant, the fetus will look like the one in this picture.
I've been telling myself that if I don't get my period by the end of this week (November 7) then I'm going to the hospital and getting a blood test. What in the world do I do if I am pregnant? I've always been extremely pro-life... but now that I might be in this situation I don't know what to think. I feel like a monster for even considering abortion. I just want to cry. Where's that time machine when I need it?...I want so badly to be selfish... to do what will make me happy. To just go on as if nothing had happened, and no one will ever know. I want to finish out college without being known as "the girl that got pregnant." I don't want to be marked as a slut. I guess I could start wearing my fake wedding ring around so people will at least think I'm married when I start to show. I want to be the person I want to be and I don't want the consequences of my stupid mistake to follow me around for the next nine months... for the rest of my life. I don't want to be pregnant until I'm at least 25 and married.
Both Ashley and Whitney are completely against abortion. So, if I do decide that abortion is the right thing... who will I have hold my hand when I'm going through with it? Who will I lean on?
Tomorrow is Fast Sunday. I haven't been to church in a good month and a half or so... So tomorrow I am going. I am going, and I am fasting my heart out all day to find some answers. And I just don't think I can wait much longer for a test. I am going to the hospital on Monday. And that is that. I can't take the suspense of not knowing.
...I need a hug.
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