TODAY WAS KIND OF AN AWFUL DAY.
First of all, I've been feeling really down about myself. Stressed out and spread thin. I'm days away from losing my daily contact with my best friend in the whole world. I'm involved in a buttload of various school and other such projects. I'm working, and this week I'm working twice as much as usual.
And I'm feeling really discouraged about the whole mission thing.
Is this what I really need to be doing?
Shouldn't I focus on finishing school?
I'm running out of time. If I want an acting career, I need to get going. I have a small window of opportunity (called ages 20-29) and I need to hop to it.
But every time I really get into my scripture studies, every time I go to church or talk to the bishop or go to an institute class, I get an overwhelming feeling that yes, this is what I need to be doing.
Well, everything just happens to get in my way. Every time I get to the point where I feel like I'm on the right track, I'm getting things done, I'm doing everything I can and I'm feeling good, something gets in my way and pushes me down like the big kid on the playground.
Today it was an email from my mom.
"Grandma just called and reamed me out. Somehow she found out that you are quitting school and moving back to Logan. I didn't tell her. She wouldn't tell me where she got the information. She said that the last time she talked to you that you had to get off the phone because you were helping someone and she felt like you were giving her the brush off.
She said that since you took the car to St. George that she has not heard from you and has not received a thank you note.
She said that by you taking the car and not telling her you were intending to quit school that it was a sneaky rotten deal. She says that she is sick of her grandchildren taking advantage of her soft heart.
She said that if you quit school, that you will never go back.
She said that if you quit school and go back to Cache Valley that she wants $100 a month for 10 months from you for the car.
You better get on the phone and fix this problem."
OKAY, wait, ...what?!
I read it twice.
You've got to be kidding me.
one: Where in the world does my grandmother get her information? I swear, she knows everything. And when she finds these things out, she jumps to major conclusions and makes everything out to be worse off than it really is.
two: When I last talked to her on the phone, I WAS REHEARSING A SCENE FOR A FINAL PROJECT. Which is what I've been doing all motherloving week long. Rehearsing. Filming. Working. School related things. I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY I CAN'T EVEN SEE STRAIGHT. At least I picked up the phone and took the time to have a short conversation with her and explained why I couldn't have a long, drawn-out conversation with her.
three: SHE TOLD ME NOT TO WRITE HER A THANK-YOU NOTE FOR THE CAR. Regardless, I was planning to write one anyway and send it to her. It's been a week since I came back to St. George after Thanksgiving. Give me a second to get my bearings and calm it down so I can sit and breathe for a second.
four: I told my grandmother a good long while ago that I was considering serving a mission. I remember specifically mentioning to her that in order to prepare to go, I would need to move home to save money. I TOLD HER THIS. She bought me a car anyway. It's not my fault. I have tried so hard to be the perfect grandchild. All of the other grandchildren have been big rude disappointments. All I've ever done my entire life is suck up to that woman. My entire life. Ever since I knew what it meant to suck up to a person. All she ever wants to do is pamper me. I can't help it! She enjoys spending money on me. I admit, I always feel guilty and I always ask her if she's sure she wants to spend the money, but she has always been willing. ...She is so ridiculous. EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS OUT TO GET MY GRANDMOTHER.
five: If I drop out of school, I will never go back? Grandma. Really? This woman does not live inside of my head. She doesn't know me. She's not even blood-related to me, so her genes aren't my own. She doesn't know that. Getting a degree is at the very top of my priority list. I can't achieve my life goals without obtaining a degree. But, if I am to serve a mission, I have to do it now. It's because of my age. I have to do it now.
six: $100 a month. Okay, I might as well just stay in St. George and spend the money on rent. That completely defeats the purpose of me going home to save money.
seven: ........ (screams angrily into nearest pillow)
eight: I wish my grandmother would come to me with the frustrations she has that involve me. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME, TELL ME. DON'T GO COMPLAINING TO EVERYONE ELSE SO I'M THE LAST PERSON TO HEAR IT.
...I'm ready to punch a hole through a brick wall.
I tried to call her to sort things out. First her home phone. No answer. Then her cell. No answer. Usually this means that she couldn't get to the house phone fast enough or she couldn't find her cell phone.
I called her cell twice, and the house phone three times.
It's 10:00 at night.
She is definitely home, and she is definitely awake, and it is apparent that she is pissed and definitely ignoring me.
Give me a break.
You're 73 years old. Grow up.
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The adversary always hit strongest when you are on the right path. Expect temptation and problems to arise when you are on the track to something wonderful. Good luck Alexa... you can do it.
ReplyDeleteYou could serve a mission after you get your degree, can't you? I heard once that single women between the ages of 21 and 40 can serve missions...40 is a long way off for you. If what I heard is correct, then you have time.
ReplyDeleteUltimately, YOU need to make the decision about what you are going to do now. Not your bishop. Not your stake president. Not your grandmother. Not your mother. Not your friends. Not your roommates. Not your teachers. This is YOUR life. You are the one that has to live it. You are the one who has to look at yourself in the bathroom mirror in the morning and be able to bear what you see.
I don't know a lot about you, but I have seen first-hand that you truly love to perform. And you're right - there is definitely a time limit on being able to have an acting career. I'm seeing now, at only 25 years old, that I'll probably never be able to be in a musical again (much less anything else) because of work and such.
If you want to go for an acting career, now is the time to do it. If you fail, at least you know you tried. If you don't try, then you'll always wonder what would have happened if you did. And afterwards, the mission will still be there.
You should text me and then we should decide on a time when I can take you for a soda and we can have a chat. Because I feel like we are supposed to have a chat. :)
ReplyDeleteIf I may contibute my two cents. When I was prepping to serve a mission, my Stake president asked me if I ever felt like I didn't want to go. I kind of sheepishly answered that I sometimes felt life would be easier if I didn't (in reality there were many times I felt that I just wanted to say "FUCK IT!" and run down the street screaming) to my surprise he smiled and responded "Good". As someone else said the adversary attacks the strongest when you are on the right path. He doesn't want you on a mission, he doesn't want you even preparing for one. Now is a time to drive forward, but also remember to pray, speak with you priesthood leaders and the Lord for guidance, because you never know what the Lord has in store for you. Don't let your age and your chosen profession be a deterant, the Lord is prepared to bless you for this. Also, bare this in mind; Three of my sister announced, at diffent times of course, that they intended to serve missions. One actually did. As it turned out, what was really important for the other two, and what it seemed the Lord had in mind for them, was simply that they prepare for missions, even if in the end things didn't not work out for them to actually serve. This is YOUR decision to make, but it most difinately is not one you should or even can make ALONE. Council with the lord in all they doings, don't just ask, don't tell him hat you're going to do, COUNCIL with him (council being a two sided discusion) and he WILL direct thee for good, for YOUR good, for your BEST good. What ever you do, it will be hard, it will seem at times impossible, and no matter what you do, mission or continue school and pursue acting now, you will get the feeling you are putting off something, that's the unfortuate part, but the blessings are waiting for you as long as the decision is one you make with the Lord. He will not let you down, and he will not send you where you don't need to be.
ReplyDeletehe he. i love the last line. SOOO perfect. the whole thing is so typical. sorry you are dealing with all this. i am sure things have changed since you posted this and i hope for the better. life decisions suck. big time.
ReplyDelete