So today Girlfriend and I went to go see Brother Krebs (tradition).
Krebs said a few things that really hit home and made me come to realize a few things about myself, so I thought it was necessary to write those things out before I forgot them.
epiphany number one: I wish the LDS church were more basic. I think I've always wished that, but this is the first time I've phrased it this way in my mind. It makes me feel more at peace. Now I absolutely know where I stand. I believe the plain and simple, basic principles of The Church, but there are so many little topics that The Church covers that I just can't wrap my head around. Things that don't make sense. Little puzzle pieces that are shaped funny but that obviously belong to the same puzzle. But it's those plain and simple, basic doctrines that the LDS church teaches that I can't seem to walk away from. No other church teaches the things the LDS church does. But... why do all of the little things have to be so complicated?
epiphany number two: I am a sheep in a wolf's clothing. No matter how anti-organized-religion I've ever tried to be, no matter how many rebellious streaks I've gone through, no matter the way I present myself to everyone on the surface... I will always have a soft heart. I'll always love the Lord.
epiphany number three: I fly by the seat of my pants in everything. I move. A lot. I make a lot of quick decisions. If I had a chance to go to a distant country tomorrow on a whim, I'd up and do it. I fly by the he seat of my pants in everything... but religion. I'm so afraid to commit to a religion because, well, choosing a religion has potentially eternal consequences. That also ties into why I'm so afraid to go to the temple and go through an endowment session. I'm afraid that once they tell you all of the secrets, you can't go back. You can't decide as to whether or not the secrets of the temple are truth. And if you do go back, if you make that decision, if the things in the temple freak you out and you decide to back out... and if you end up being wrong about it and the things in the temple were the right way all along, well, you go to hell. You don't get much of a choice. "He who receives the greater light receives the greater condemnation." And why do I feel this way? Because when you get into the temple, BEFORE THEY TELL YOU ANYTHING SECRET OR SACRED, they tell you that if you don't agree to it, you can get up and leave. But riddle me this: how do you know if you agree to it or not before they tell you what you're agreeing to?
epiphany number four: If I could pick any time period to live in (besides the flapper era), it would more than likely be the dark ages. Call me a dreary personality, but I seriously think that it would be so much easier to live in a time period where no one knows anything about religion. Therefore, you wouldn't be condemned for anything that you do wrong because you didn't know any better. I also realized that in a way I'm like Corihor in the Book of Mormon. No, I'm not some Book of Mormon scholar. I've only read it in its entirety once in the ninth grade. I've read First and Second Nephi about twelve times with the intent of reading the entire book. Anyway. Corihor. I'm like his younger self in the sense that I try to justify things so that I can continue living my preferred way of life. At least, I think that's the jist of it. It really made sense and hit home when Krebs explained the whole thing.
I also told Krebs that I almost kind of hope I die young so I never have to go through the temple. That way I wouldn't be held responsible. I also kind of hope that I never get married so I never have to have a temple marriage. I mean, if it's true, then that's what I want. And they say you have opportunities to marry after you die. So it'd work out.
Grant went through the temple today.
I don't know how I feel about that.
I mean, it kind of relieves me in a sense. He seemed to have nothing but good feelings about it. But still.
Freaks me out. A lot.
final epiphany: I need to sit down and have someone explain everything about this church to me before I make the decision as to whether or not I'm going to serve a mission. I'm going to take two institute classes, one of which will be mission prep. I moved home so I could figure out where I stand as far as religion goes. The last time I was strong in the LDS faith was right before I left Smithfield. So I'm coming home to a place where I can nurture that little seedling of faith in a safe place until it becomes, well, a tree. Until I have roots that can't be shaken, so I'll be ready to face the world and I'll be able to know who I am when I go out to pursue an acting career.
So, for now, I study religion. I find a job and I work. I save money. I go to school (hopefully) starting in the fall at USU. And I'll apply to Columbus State University in GA for either spring or fall of 2012 . And if a mission happens, a mission happens. That's the way it goes. I'm going to prepare for a mission by learning about the church. And when the time comes to decide, I'll decide.
-> PS. My grandma informed my stepmom yesterday that she does not support me in serving a mission. Thanks, Grandma.
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Hi Alexa - I think you are me at 20. Love, Janet
ReplyDeleteHmmm good to know someone else feels the same way I do.
ReplyDeleteI just typed something really long and hit "preview" and it all went away.
ReplyDeleteI'll retype it later, when I don't feel so annoyed. :)
Sometimes going out and facing the world is something needed to help find yourself, and 'make the roots of the tree unshakable'
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI went out into the world. I moved to Florida and it drove me away from the church. I need to figure stuff out before I try that again.
I'm gonna have to make what I have to say into several sections. And I have some questions.
ReplyDeleteRe: Epiphany 1: What are the "little things" the church teaches that you can't get your head around? Tiny things like not having more than one hole pierced in each ear? Or more modern political-like things like how the church vehemently opposes gay marriage?
What are, specifically, the basic, plain and simple doctrines that you believe? How do you know that no other church teaches them? Have you seriously investigated other churches? I've been to a LOT of churches...if you want to ask me questions, I might be able to help you out. :)
Also, Disney is not the real world. Trust me. You know that I'm the one person that would know. :p
ReplyDeleteRe: Epiphany 2: You don't have to be a member of organized religion to love the Lord. Loving the Lord has nothing to do with belonging to a social organization constructed by men. That's what church is - it's an organization created by men and consisting of men and women.
ReplyDeleteI believe that you love the Lord. I think, however, that you put too much stock in what *other people* tell you about the Lord. Use your head. Pray, read, and find for *yourself* what God is.
If you read the 4 Gospels - Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John - you will not find Jesus telling people that they need to belong to a social organization in order to follow Heavenly Father.
Re: Epiphany 3: There is no other organization I know of, government or religion or otherwise (except maybe crazy cults like the Scientologists), that ask you to agree to something WITHOUT TELLING YOU what you are agreeing to. That's just bogus. That's just not how the world works. It's insane.
ReplyDeleteOne solution (though I understand this is a huge sin, according to the church) is to read or listen to the endowment session online. I have. There are many websites that have the endowment session. I have a link to a rather good site that tells the current endowment ceremony and covers changes in the ceremony through the years. Let me know if you want the link.
Furthermore: I know of *NO* other church (except maybe cults like the Scientologists the Christian Scientists) that holds disciplinary counsels for its members. NO church has the right control people's lives like that. Isn't judgement God's job, not men's?
Jesus taught, "Judge not, lest ye be judged" and to not tell someone else to take the mote out of their eye when you have a beam in your own (both Matthew 7). A LOT of Mormons have beams in their eyes, including priesthood holders/leaders. Nobody has the right to discipline you. I have a feeling a lot of priesthood leaders will be judged for the judgment they have meted out in this life.
And how do we know that the church is of God? Well, the Book of Mormon, which was written by men, tells us it's of God. Other men have told us it's of God. Lots and lots and lots of men have told us it's of God. Some women too. But how do you KNOW it's of God? People can say whatever they want regardless of it's the truth or not, and they do, regularly.
And from what I understand, the church doesn't really believe in hell anyway - just the 3 kingdoms and outer darkness. If you believe in the church, you shouldn't have to worry much about fire and brimstone (though that version of hell isn't in the bible - it was actually created by Dante when he wrote "Inferno").
Regarding Epiphany 4: You don't have to get a temple marriage. You could have a civil marriage. Then you won't have to get endowed, unless you do go on a mission, which is something that isn't expected of women.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I think it's kinda crazy that people get married for time and all eternity in their 20's. How do you know who you are and what you need when you're only 20, or even 25? I'm still discovering things about myself.
My parents were married when my mom was 19 and my dad was 21. They loved each other. Seriously, seriously loved each other, couldn't live without each other. For the first 20 years of their marriage, everything was great, so they decided to have a child. Me. And then the marriage went to shit - not because of me, but because my parents were NOT right for each other. My parents stuck it out for 23 more years and almost ruined both their lives *and* mine in the process. When they were married at 19 and 21, crazy in love, they never could have guessed they'd have a very, very bitter, nasty divorce 43 years later.
But they did. It happened. It's not either of their faults. They weren't right for each other.
If they had been married for time and all eternity and one of them had died before they got divorced, they would have been screwed. For eternity.
It's a bad thing for a religion to make you wish you die young.
Do you think God, who loves you so much, wants you to wish you will die young?
If he loves you so much, why would he create a church like that?
Do you have a chance to talk to Grant before he leaves, now that he's gone through the temple?
ReplyDeleteIf you can, I seriously recommend it. He's your friend. You trust him. I'm sure that he can tell you something about the experience - if only how he felt about the whole thing - without committing a sin.
Re: Final epiphany: No one will ever explain everything about this church to you. I was an investigator for 7 years because I wanted to learn everything about the church before converting. I didn't just investigate by talking with missionaries - I read books, talked to friends who are LDS and their families, looked on the internet, prayed, everything. I thought I'd learned everything, so I got baptized.
ReplyDeleteAnd then I learned that I knew nothing about the church. I'd barely scratched the surface. But after converting, I had a better idea of where to look for information.
If you really want to know about the church, I recommend reading the Church Handbook of Instructions, Part I and II. The Church Handbook of Instructions is a book that priesthood leaders (Elders Quorum presidents, bishops, stake presidents, mission presidents, etc) read and follow in leading members of the church. The only people allowed to read Part I are priesthood leaders. Women can never read it. When priesthood leaders are released from their callings, they must immediately relinquish the book to their successor or to their superior.
The church just released a new edition of the book and it's available online. Because of the outcry (though it was limited), relief society leaders can now read Part 2 of the book, but not Part 1.
Almost immediately after the book came out, it was put up on the internet, probably by some priesthood holder who works for the church. It's available as a PDF, and it's very long, but fascinating. If you think right NOW that the church cares about so many tiny little things, you will be shocked how many MORE tiny things the church cares about after reading the Church Handbook of Instructions. It's a book of rules that everyone is supposed to follow - without having read it or being given an opportunity to read it by church leadership.
Have you asked your grandmother why she doesn't want you to serve a mission?
Talking with her frankly about her reasons for opposing a mission, just finding out why she feels that way without trying to change her mind or getting mad at her, could help you a lot with figuring this whole thing out.
Study religion. Work. Go to school. Figure out who you are and what you need. That's what this time in your life is all about. Don't let other people tell you what God wants you to do. Because they don't know. They're not you. And they are NOT God.
I know you'll figure this out. If you want to talk, I'm always here.
Btw, I considered not putting my name on these comments. I know that speaking doubts about the church is not exactly a popular thing to do in Utah, and especially in St. George.
ReplyDeleteBut I don't care if I get flamed for posting this stuff. This is what I feel. This is what I know. And to not put my name on it would make me a coward.
I know you'll do the right thing, Alexa.
Ack! Looks like my comments about epiphany 3 and final didn't post...dangit...gotta write it again...
ReplyDeleteEpiphany 3: There is no other organization, government, religious, or otherwise that I know of (except maybe crazy cults like the Scientologists), that will ask you to agree to something without telling you what you're agreeing to.
ReplyDeleteYou have a couple of options, regarding the temple. First, you can get a civil marriage instead of a temple marriage, and not serve a mission (as a woman, you're not expected to anyway), and then you'll never have to be endowed.
Or, though I understand this is a huge sin in the church, you can read or listen to the endowment session online. Many websites have it, though the church tries to stamp it out. I've read it. I have a link to a good site that has the current endowment session and covers the changes through the years. Let me know if you want it.
Furthermore, I know of no other church (except maybe crazy cults like the Scientologists) who hold disciplinary councils for its members. No church has the right to control people's lives like that. The only people who have authority over you and have the right to try you for anything are those who work for the government (police, judges, etc).
Jesus says in Matthew 7, judge not lest ye be judged. And that you should not tell someone to remove the mote in their eye when you have a beam in yours. Lots of priesthood holders/priesthood leaders have beams in their eyes. They are human, just like you and me.
I believe that a lot of priesthood leaders will be judged in the next life for judging other people in this one.
And who gives them the right to judge us and discipline us? The church. How do we know the church is of God? Because men tell us it's of God. Because of books - Book of Mormon, the bible - that were written by men that tell us it's of god. Lots and lots and lots of men, and some women, tell us that the church is of God. They all tell us it's of God.
But how do we KNOW it's of God? People can, and do, say whatever they want regardless of whether it's true or not.
And if you believe in the church, you don't have to worry about hell. From what I understand, the church believes in the 3 kingdoms and outer darkness. The fire-and-brimstone hell isn't in the bible anyway - it was created by Dante when he wrote "Inferno."
Final epiphany: No one is ever going to tell you everything about the church. It just doesn't happen. I was an investigator for 7 years because I wanted to learn everything about the church before joining it. I thought it was the responsible thing to do. I didn't just talk with the missionaries - I talked to LDS friends and their families, read books, read on the internet, prayed, and everything. After 7 years, I figured I knew everything, so I got baptized.
ReplyDeleteAnd then after I got baptized, I realized I didn't know anything. I'd barely scratched the surface. But now that I was on the inside, I had a better idea of where to look.
Final epiphany, part 2: If you think right NOW that the church cares about a lot of little things, you need to read the Church Handbook of Instructions, Part 1 and Part 2.
ReplyDeleteThe Church Handbook of Instructions is a book that is only given to priesthood leaders (Elders Quorum presidents, bishops, stake presidents, mission presidents, etc). When a leader is released from their calling, they are to immediately relinquish their copy of the handbook to their successor or to their superior.
The church just released a new version of the handbook and it was immediately leaked online. It's available as a PDF, and it's fascinating, but very, very long. If you read it, it will blow your mind how many tiny little things the church cares about.
Because of the outcry (though the outcry was limited), Relief Society leaders are now allowed to read part 2 of the handbook, but part 1 is still limited to priesthood leaders.
The handbook is a book of rules that everyone is expected to follow. But very few people are allowed to read it. How can you follow rules when you don't know what they are?
That's all I have to say. :)
ReplyDelete