He said that he wanted me to look him in the eye once we stopped at the next stoplight and tell him that I eventually wanted our relationship back with all my heart. He wanted me to tell him that I'd be willing to work for it. That I'd do anything.
I told him that I was not a fortune teller and I couldn't see the future. I told him that I wanted to date him again when the time was right. I said, "I need to take care of me and get some things done." I told him that I loved him.
And now he wants the necklace back.
That piece of crap.
That beautiful, two hundred dollar piece of crap. White gold and diamonds framing a beautiful pearl.
Well... I want back all of the love that I gave to him.
Okay, he can have the necklace. Especially if that means that he'll stop bugging the crap out of me about our relationship and let our friendship flourish naturally. He doesn't realize that we need to build our friendship from the ground up. You don't build a church and start by adding the steeple. He doesn't realize that we won't know if a relationship is right for us until we have gotten to know each other better than we know anyone.
He just doesn't get it. He wants it now, and he doesn't understand why he can't have it now.
He said he knew all along that I always had some feelings left for Miah. I told him that I had one hundred and thirteen strings attaching my heart to that boy, and when he tossed me away I cut one hundred and twelve of those strings with a big pair of golden scissors. I told him I didn't know how to cut the last string. He said he'd always known.
He told me that two weeks ago he cheated on me with his best friend Kelley. He said that it was when I was out of town visiting my mom, and she came from SUU to visit. He said he didn't know what came over him. He said they held hands. He said that they just made out. He's not mine anymore, so I don't care. Well, not too much. I saw this coming a long time ago. I've expected it all along. I knew his heart was still attached to her by a string too. In a way I'm glad this happened. He has Kelley, I have Miah. I think he might actually understand better than I thought.
I didn't tell him how strong that last string that held on to Miah was. I'm sure if he ever saw this blog it would nearly kill him. But hey... maybe he'd get to know me a little better. And besides, I don't care. The blog is for me. Not anyone else. It's my therapy. A suggestion from my weird ex-music theory professor to sort everything out. And as much as he bothered me... the man knew what he was talking about.
I adore Steven. But he is so sure that I am "The One" for him, and I honestly don't know. I can't get that date with Josh a few nights ago out of my head. I keep thinking about all of the guys I want to get to know better. And I am blindsighted by Miah... The best way for me to describe what he did to me is with a quote from Twilight... Yes, Twilight. It's a quote that's stuck with me since I read the book years ago.
"Before you, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."
He can have his white-gold leash... that's all it is to me right now. A promise of commitment. A promise ring without the ring. And whether he consciously meant to do it or not, I'm sure he knows it's true.
I think he's going to go sell it back to the jeweler's. If we end up getting married someday like he hopes we will, he can use that money to buy me a pretty ring.
I can't take my eyes off of you
Until I find someone new...
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