A Curious Start

I am a terrible student.
I never get to bed before two, and I never wake up 'til noon.
I used to be awesome. I attended every class, no matter the time, and I would keep up on the homework, reading and studies.
One day I wanted to watch my soap instead of going to class. I ditched Freshman Music, and it's all been downhill from there.
At first I wanted to go. All the time. I love college. It's fun. New friends. Brain food. Now? It's more like, would I rather sleep, or go listen to my professors babble about Shakespeare? ... Hm... (Cheese? Rat Poison? Cheese? Rat Poison?)
Because of my new terrible sleeping habits, I became so far behind in Theory and Ear Training that I decided to change my major altogether. I dropped eight of my seventeen credits and lost my music scholarship. I am a loser! That's all. I lost track of dates and I am pretty sure that now that the Add deadline has passed, I have lost my theatre scholarship as well. Oh well I guess, I have my Pell Grant to save me. That should take care of things.

Do I blame my very recent ex? No, not really. I mean, it was my choice to let him stay at my place til 1:30 AM every night and endanger my chances of waking up the next morning. But it was worth every moment. I loved his company. Ha- I still do. I miss him like... like sunshine. We have decided that, well, the love is still there. There's nothing changing that. But we have to stop seeing each other, as hard as it is. But he'll always be with me. As cliche as it is- He's always in my heart. We broke up... and he found a song to describe everything.


You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you

You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there’s really nothin’ left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me, I'll wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

Take your time I won’t go anywhere, picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you


Today I went to my choir class. I choose to go maybe two or three of the four days a week it is held. After choir, I went to the cafe and sat in my own little corner (in my own little chair) and ate my turkey-and-provolone-with-mayo-olives-lettuce-and-tomato-on-croissant-bread and turned on my soap opera. I eventually found myself with Josh from choir on my left, and Grant on my right. We then proceeded to the nearest ice-creamery. Josh has strikingly blue eyes. And he might be a distant relative of mine.

Tomorrow I go to Orem to see ashley and then we go to Logan to see the Sky View Variety Show. This may be an extremely emotional weekend... Seeing warm, familiar faces, going to familiar places... And of course, seeing Jeremiah. It could prove very interesting. I might break down and cry right there. It is terrible of me to envision a glorious happy Disney ending this weekend? I'll see him after his show. He'll have post-show adrenaline surging through him. He'll see me and realize just what he lost, sweep me up in his arms and... and... and then I'll go back to college. I almost wish I'd never left Smithfield, Utah. That glorious, smelly, happy bubble city where I ran to get away from the abuse. where I spent the two happiest years of my life. But then again... It was time to get out. I think the reason why I am still so emotional over Jeremiah is because I never got closure. Never. I never had a good reason for why he broke it off with me, other than he was "becoming a new person." So I guess in short, I don't know what to expect on Saturday night.

I love Steven. With all of my heart. all... but about one seventy-fifth of my heart. That piece still belongs to Miah. That piece is my tribute to the friendship that we shared and is the faint glimmer of a lost hope that someday we will re-build our broken bridge. And, who knows. Maybe someday, years from now, our relationship might happen again. And I will never know who the right one is until I get a fair shot at a relationship with Miah.

And is it terrible that the song that Steven picked out for how he feels about me reminds me more of how I feel about Jeremiah than the boy I'm so in love with?