Just to Clear the Air

Apparently there has been a lot of confusion as to my past. I am here to set the record straight.
In elementary school, did you ever play the game "Telephone?" Well, everyone sits in a big circle and one person starts out with a fairly simple phrase or sentence that he or she whispers to the person next to them. that person then whispers it to the person next to them, and the person next to them after that. And as a usual result, the person at the end of the circle has a completely different message than the person who started the message in the first place. So something as simple and innocent as "I love apple pie" could be twisted and morphed, bit by bit, until the message is something completely different, such as "I want to get high."
I am a victim of the Telephone Game. I told a special select few people the stories of my past, and little by little, bit by bit, these stories have been changed and molded. Not necessarily on purpose, or maybe it was on purpose. I don't know. But these stories got back to Jeremiah somehow and now I seem like a liar and a hypocrite.
It's time to dispel the rumors.

Rumor #1: Myth: I have had sex with every boyfriend I've ever had.
Truth: I lost my virginity at age 17. I was young and stupid, and I thought at the time that I had found my true love. I only had sex with him because we were "going to get married." After I broke up with him for various reasons, I was rescued by my friend Aaron who picked up the pieces. We were intimate as well. I was trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted in my life. I also believe that it was because I was feeling out the church's guidelines and rules... to kinda see why they say not to do those things. After Aaron I also had sex with Taylor, and was raped by a frat boy at USU.

Rumor #2: Myth: I really wasn't raped. I just say that to get attention.
Truth: I'll tell you the story and you can call it what you want, but if it's unwanted and you tried to stop it, then I believe it's rape. Yes, I did know him. I had seen him maybe once or twice before. He came into Hobby Lobby one day to get some supplies for a school project and I thought he was cute, so after some convincing I gave him my phone number. He worked at a gas station, and a couple of times I went to his work because he gave me free sodas. I went with Whitney to the frat house where he lived, and she got distracted by another guy. We went into his room to make out and yes, he shut and locked the door behind us. After that I cut all contact with him for about... Oh I don't know. a couple of months maybe? In April I took my trip with my mom down to St. George to see the Dixie State College campus. I was driving home in the Jeep from my mom's house in Salt Lake when he texted me. I was in a really weird mood and had a couple of hours before curfew. I didn't want to go home yet, in fact, I didn't want to go home at all. I just wanted to go to college. So I accepted his offer to hang out, under the impression that when I got there we'd be watching a movie with some of his buddies and a few other girls. We hung out for a while, played pool, and then we went downstairs for the movie. ...In his room. Alone. On his bed, watching his desktop computer. I knew that by going there I would end up making out with him again. I didn't expect, though, that things would go as far as they did, nor did I expect him to be so aggressive. I couldn't get him off, I said no, but to no ado. After a while I just let it happen until it was done. I drove home and never spoke to him again. So yeah, it was a stupid and immature mistake on my part, but it was also unwanted sex.

Rumor #3: Myth: I had sex with Taylor, while he was still with Kensie, and I said rude things behind her back such as, "Heh, heh. I had sex with your boyfriend, bitch."
Truth: We had sex. I honestly do not know or remember for myself whether or not they were still together, but I can't imagine myself doing that to Kensie. I spoke with Taylor tonight, actually, because this bothered me so much. He promised me, he said that he is 100% positive that when we had sex, he was single. Single- and depressed because he missed her. (I will never be able to figure him out.) I don't remember my reasons for doing it with him, but I'm sure they were stupid... me thinking with my hormones and not with my brain. And the whole me saying things behind her back thing... I'd think things to myself, such as "I had sex with your ex-boyfriend." and it wasn't conniving... it was always shameful, surprised with myself or apologetic. I always told Whitney about the times I would see her and think this to myself. I couldn't talk to Kensie for a very long time, until we were cast in roles that had to work together onstage. I regret doing that with Taylor- and with every guy- every single day of my life. I want to apologize to her, but I just don't have the balls to do it.

Rumor #4: Myth: I am a chameleon. I always have been and I probably always will be. I always change for the people I'm around, just to fit in.
Truth: The truth is, EVERYONE is a chameleon to some degree. Everyone censors or plays up different aspects of their lives to try and fit in or keep peace with the people around them. I, however, was the highest level of chameleon possible for a very long time. I hated myself for it. I was a "pleaser," the person anyone and everyone wanted me to be. I finally realized what I had become when I saw a commercial about drugs and alcohol... I believe my sophomore year of high school. The boy stood in the middle of an empty room as the people around him moved in high-speed motion, changing his clothing, hair, interests... everything, until he was nothing. He then stopped them, and walked away. Now I have never by any means been a drug or alcohol addict, but I related to that commercial. It was my goal from then on to become my own self... not the Alexa everyone wanted. It was a terribly long and hard process, but I knew that I'd mastered it when I got to college and I could pick out which of my roommates was the chameleon... and for once, it wasn't me. Now, all I have to do is censor myself around those who would be offended by my normal behaviors or you might see me getting a little more excited around others. If you want to know the true me... read my journals, read my blog... and compare that to the person you know in real life. If I'm not quite the same, it's because I am not comfortable enough with you yet to be the person I am here.

Other things that I was told that... well, I see differently I guess:

Rumor #5: The way he sees it: I was "pressuring him into something more committed sexually and emotionally, [such as marriage]."
The way I see it: I never pressured him to get more physical. I moved at his pace and only did what he wanted. When we became physical, I DID NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX. I was done with it. The mere thought of it made me gag. In fact, I didn't want to even go further than we had... which I guess, considering, wasn't very far. As far as marriage is concerned, he knew how much the idea of marriage freaked me out. And if I remember correctly, he was the one who brought it up in the first place. He even said he knew how much the M word scared me...

6-15-09, 11:06 PM. "Well lately on the line between being asleep and being awake. I have been having dreams about you. And not the normal dreams a teenage guy has about the girl he likes but they have been dreams about you and I. Years from now. Sometimes married sometimes not. It is freaking me out. I am only sixteen and I am dreaming about being married. I should be having some kind of sex dream. Not this. It scares me how strongly I feel about you. I mean I have no idea what love is and I am not sure what I am feeling but it feels like what they say is love. But I know it doesn't exist- at my age. My mind has been doing this for a while now but I have been scared to tell you because I know marriage disgusts you and freaks you out. Please don't get mad or grossed out."

It did kinda freak me out, but the thought of being around my best friend for the rest of forever kind of grew on me. I knew marriage was years and years down the road and I honestly didn't want to think about it much and I especially did not want to commit to anything. And I'm not placing blame here- I honestly can't remember who brought up the marriage conversations, but I like to think that we both brought it up an equal amount of times.
Miah was the first person that I clearly saw myself having a happy future with. I mean isn't it normal for every girl to put herself and her current "main squeeze" into a marriage in her mind, just to see how it'd work out? Dating is what leads to marriage, anyway. Even with Andrew... I never saw a decent happy future.

Rumor #6: The way he sees it: I am always "in love" with the boyfriend that I'm with, and I think about marrying each of them and I have sex with them because I "love them." I am in love with the idea of being in love.
The way I see it: First of all, I already covered everything that had to do with sex. And as far as "marrying each of them" goes, well, like I said in the last myth, Dating is what leads to marriage. You're eventually going to want to envision yourself in a marriage situation with that person at some point... and I say the sooner you think about this the better. That way you can learn sooner rather than later that you should or should not be with that person.
As far as loving everyone goes... Well, I do. I love everyone. I just do, that's just how I am. Everyone except, maybe my evil wicked step-father... and I'm learning to have love for the Arbon family, even after out past issues.
I'm not exactly sure how to explain this, so I'll start with explaining my beliefs on love, which are the traditional Christian beliefs of the three different types of love.
Agape: Unconditional or Godly love. The type of love that God has for us, and that parents have for their children.
Phileo: Brotherly love.
Eros: Romantic and/or sexual love.
I believe that love starts out small... like a little ball of paper maché. If you keep taking strips of newspaper and dipping it in glue and wrapping them around that little ball, eventually you will have a very large ball. That's just how things work. Things have to grow. Things take time.
Now take the paper maché idea and add this to it: Each type of love (Agape, Phileo and Eros) is a different colored strip of newspaper. Based on experiences, moments with that person, trying times and times of building or breaking of trust, a different colored strip is either added to or removed from this little ball of love.
So, what I'm trying to say is that I give everyone a little ball of paper maché. Not only the men in my life, but everyone. The more I get to know that person, the bigger that ball grows to be. So yes. I have loved every guy I've been with. Whether it was a lot of love or only a little bit, though, is the question. The ball that I gave to Miah just so happened to be one that ended up growing to be one of the biggest and most magnificent ones I have ever built.
I know the difference between real love and being in love with love. Trust me, I do. I've been dating since I was fifteen years old. When I first realized that I truly cared for the other person instead of selfishly just wanting a boyfriend just to have one... that's when I learned the difference.
This thing that was said... it felt like an accusation. It was like I was being accused for loving too much. And it hurt... But I think that people just don't understand.

Rumor #7: The Word on the Street: Shoplifting. Well? I'm not entirely sure what everyone has heard or said about this one. But I will tell you the story. The first thing I ever stole was a sticker from Day Murray Music when I was six, maybe seven years old. I felt so guilty that I told my mom, and she made me return it. Shoplifting never again crossed my mind until I had been working at Hobby Lobby for quite some time, from May until October, and the secretary from the cashier's office in the back came up and paid for five or six different candy bars. She didn't take any of them back with her to the office. When I asked her she told me she had been grabbing them and eating them, and now she was paying for them. So I decided, "Hey, if she can do that, why can't I?" So I did. And I'd pay for them out of my own pocket at my own register, without the discount, when none of my fellow employees were around. Later it got to be jewelry charms and other various items. Eventually I stopped paying for them... but I didn't feel guilty. I'm not sure why. Maybe I became so desensitized to the fact that what I was doing was wrong that it didn't matter to me anymore. I did it at a couple of different stores... and at some point one of my girlfriends joined me. I don't know why she did. I might have been a bad influence on her, or she might have already been doing it. To be honest, I can't remember her reasons. I never pressured her into joining me. I went to Salt Lake in November and I went with a different girlfriend of mine to the Mall by my mom's apartment. We made it a game- to get away with as much as possible. We did it for the rush. Or at least, I did. That time I felt miserably guilty. After doing it a couple more times over the next couple of months, the guilt got to be too much for me. I vowed to stop, to never do it again. I donated everything I had stolen to the D.I. and re-payed the stores with anonymous money orders accompanied by sincere apology letters.
One day this past February I went with the first friend I mentioned earlier to Kohl's. I'm not sure what came over us, but we both knew that by going there we were going to get something. Something for free, with our five-finger discount. I don't think that either of us really wanted to go do it that day, deep down. But we did anyway. And we got caught. We each had to pay a hefty fine to Kohl's Stores and to the North Logan court. We both also had to do our fair share of community service (also known as "work diversion").
During this dark time of repayment and work diversion, I worked my way through the repentance process and earned back my temple recommend. I hadn't had one since I'd been with Andrew... And I was the happiest I'd been since October of my junior year of high school.
I haven't shoplifted since. Nor do I ever want to again. You could say I've had a change of heart. If I try to picture myself doing it again, I get sick to my stomach. That wasn't me. I don't know who I was, but I wasn't the Alexa I know. To be honest, I'm really glad that I got caught when I did. It stopped me before I became a full blown monster... an addict... before I ended up in prison.

So that's that. Do with this as you please. I'm throwing this out there for the world to see and making myself completely vulnerable. It feels nice though, to finally get it all straightened out and out in the open.
Now that it's 5:30 AM, maybe I'll go to bed before class at ten.