The Whole Story

So Joe texted me last night at 2:30 AM.
"K when it's not two thirty in the morning we need to talk like serious. And know that I am on your side come hell or high water cuz you need to be death honest with me and know that you can trust me. So yeah we need to talk. I love you and trust you and will be your friend forever. Which includes the hours until tomorrow daytime, it can wait, don't worry."
So today I asked him what it was all about and what we needed to talk about and he said, "You. I guess? Cuz I heard basically everything. And you need to tell me everything uncut. Which is kind of dumb because it's for no other reason than I just want to know... so I guess there's no obligation really."
And I said, "everything about what?"
He said, "Well... (sigh) i guess the whole jeremiah thing. I'd ask for the life story or just recent relationships in general, but I don't want to be nosy."
So I sent him an e-mail, which I think is worthy of keeping... so I'll be posting it here. I kinda copied some things from this blog and also from my journal, so bear with me.

"Prepare for the full, uncut and unrated story of my relationship with Miah, everything before, during and after.

Once upon a time.

I met jeremiah third trimester of my junior year. In the drama room, on the couches of course. Karlee Berezay introduced us, and I didn't think much of him after that day other than "oh, jeremiah. he has a funny name and kind of an angry disposition."
We didn't start being friends until the end of the Variety Show my senior year, and by mid-peter pan we were best friends. I'd complain to him about boys, bad dates and family and give him advice on his crush on Camille. When we were desperate or needy for attention or if one of us were having "just one of those days" we'd pretend like we were dating for the day and hold hands all day in the halls or cuddle on the drama room couches. It came to be expected of us, and it meant nothing to either of us other than we were just best friends.
Until one day. One day towards the end of Three Acts.
I don't know how it hit me or even why, but I realized that I had feelings for him, beyond just best friendship. I was fully prepared to just continue being best friends, just because I didn't want to screw over the best friendship I'd ever had. It wasn't worth it to me. I decided that since we were best friends and we knew everything about each other that it was only fair that he knew about my little schoolgirl crush on him. That ended up being a huge ridiculous ordeal and I ended up doing what I had before- pushing my feelings for him out of my mind, and just going on as if nothing had ever happened. I told him it was just a phase and I was over it.
So until the beginning of May, we acted as if none of that happened and we were best friends just like we always had been.We went to Senior Prom together in April- just as friends. It killed me to have him slow dance with me and sing the romantic songs in my ear.. because I knew it meant nothing to him. But I dealt with it. I told myself it was better that way. Finally, the day before graduation he realized he had feelings for me too. "Well I just realized that I have a really big problem. I am really tied up about my feelings for two people. It hit me like a freight train right about when we got in the car." and I asked him who the two were... and he said it was between me and Cami. He came to my family graduation party and the next day he, ashley and i spent the whole day together. We jumped off of the highway at first dam into the water and the whole day he had his arm at my waist or he was holding my hand. We even kissed, briefly.
I asked him why he had finally decided to like me. and he said, "Well it's gonna sound corny. No. It's gonna sound gay. Well a few days ago when we were in the car with Todd and Ashley. You turned to look at me, and I thought 'wow. I love that face. I wouldn't mind seeing that face every day for a very long time...' and that was the clincher right there." He also said that it wasn't as sudden as it seemed- that it had been building for the past few weeks. His timing was impeccable- I had just decided to give up on him and I was getting ready to move away... go live with my mom and then head off to college. He then told me he was over Camille. He said, "I couldn't sleep last night, so I decided to logically deduce why I liked both you and Cami. I went through the pros and cons for both sides and came up with this: Pros for cami. She is pretty. She makes me laugh and I really enjoy being around her. Cons for Cami. She can be a brat. She is a little shallow. She doesn't like me. She can't get over Tate. She can be a really big bitch. I can't converse with her on an intellectual level. She never wants to listen to anything about me. She thinks her life is terrible but it isn't. Then I went to you. Pros. You are pretty. I love being around you. I know you on a deep, personal level. You make me laugh. You know my strengths and weaknesses. You know what I like and what I don't like and I know all the same stuff about you. You love to hear about my life and what is going on with me. We can converse on either a really deep level or a really shallow level depending on how we feel. Cons. You are leaving and you have Sims. (one guy I was seeing at the time.) Now if Sims was gone I realized that really, my life and time would be better spent with you than her.......... any day."
The day after that I broke things off completely with the two guys I had been seeing (I know, I know. two). And we got together- officially.
We had a fantastic relationship. Picture perfect. Everything I have ever wanted in a relationship. Then I left logan, and went to live with my mom in Salt Lake for the remainder of the summer. I had a photo from Senior Ball of the two of us framed, and I gave it to him the night before I left. He cried, I cried.
After that, I probably saw him a grand total of maybe- five times? before I moved to St. George. One of the last being in San Francisco, where both of our families had decided to vacation. Mine, because my great grandpa that I'd never known had passed away. His, because they used to live there. He promised me that someday, married or not, he would take me back to San Francisco. "Just the you, me, and San Francisco. See a couple of shows, eat at the most posh restaurants. Go to the beach."
We spent the 4th of July together and took a trip to Bear Lake. His mom caught his sneaking out to see me one night... which was bad.
Just to kind of explain how he said he felt for me: "I may not know a hell of a lot about feelings or emotions, but I do know all my feelings about you. I like you more than I have ever liked anyone. I don't know what love is, but for once, I think it exists. You are a girl I want to be a better man for. Not just to impress you or something like that. But I truly want to be able to be there for you at any time. In any place."
"Well lately on the line between being asleep and being awake. I have been having dreams about you. And not the normal dreams a teenage guy has about the girl he likes but they have been dreams about you and I. Years from now. Sometimes married sometimes not. It is freaking me out. I am only sixteen and I am dreaming about being married. I should be having some kind of sex dream. Not this. It scares me how strongly I feel about you. I mean I have no idea what love is and I am not sure what I am feeling but ut feels like what they say is love. But I know it doesn't exist- at my age."
Later- on the topic of temple marriage.
"Well if it's important to you then it's important to me. I don't think forever would be long enough. I think I might need two or three forevers to get enough of you. ...Is five or six forevers too much to ask?"
He also told me that since he'd had me, he was never depressed. He used to hate his life and everything about it, and I was the thing that changed all of that. He told me that I was what he looked forward to. He told me that he was planning his future.. not necessarily around me, but planning it with me in it no matter what.

Well... it turned out the summer had been nothing but a fairytale romance. Miah had me come over a couple of weeks before the move to St. George. He wouldn't even look at me. He broke up with me, on that swing in his back yard. Because he "never really wanted a girlfriend in high school" he "wants to be single for his senior year" and I was "going far away for college and he'd never see [me]." Reasons I understood and could deal with. Reasons that could still allow his feelings for me. He then went on to tell me that he hated who he'd been and everything about his life. He said he'd been "changing" since he'd last saw me. He said, basically, that he hated who he was and that he liked who he was becoming. I asked him, "So basically, I am a part of who you were, but not a part of who you're becoming." and he said nothing. That was my answer. It was all so sudden and I felt like I had given him my whole heart for no good reason... just for a summer romance that would smash it into nineteen pieces in the end. I also felt like there was a piece of the story missing, something he wouldn't tell me.
I never did get closure, and I could never figure out how to put the pieces back together. I told myself that maybe someday, maybe in a couple of years or so down the road that we might get another shot at this. When the timing is better. When we're older and more mature. I held on to that shred of hope and never let go. I keep it in my pocket every day... I don't know how to let go of it.
I took a hot candlelit bubble bath every night for two weeks. I even had to take a xanax once to calm my nerves.
And now, most of me, just wants my best friend back. Not necessarily a romantic relationship. Just... second and third trimester of my senior year. Is that too much to ask?
I've been an insomniac ever since that day. I don't get to bed until 3 AM- at the earliest. My mind is constantly swimming with memories and questions. What did I do wrong? Why can't I just move on?
Finally one day I sent him an email, begging for our friendship back. No luck though- the stubborn ass didn't want back the best friend he'd ever had. We texted a bit and he eventually told Ashley that the biggest reason why he broke it off with me was because he "found out about all of the lies" I'd told him. I called him and asked him what lies I had told him. I had never told Jeremiah a single lie in my lifetime, not even a little white innocent one. He was my best friend, I didn't have to. He liked me no matter what. He said, " I dunno, basically your whole life story... listen, this is a really bad time. I'll talk to you later." and I asked him what was so important that he couldn't take five minutes and explain things to me. He said he had a concurrent enrollment class and two AP classes, two shows, family trauma.... blah blah blah. He was supposed to call me later that week to explain things to me. He never did. I asked him why and he said it was because he didn't have anything to say that would make anything better.
Whatever.
That was the last contact we had before I saw him this past weekend. After the show Miah gave Ashley a fairly long hug, and then he got to me and quietly gave me a hug- not his awkward "I'm just being nice" half-hug, but a real hug. The kind I miss. It felt too good to be back in his arms. Everything flooded back. All of the memories, all of the empty promises, every kiss, every shared secret. Everything he just threw away on a whim. It was too short, that hug, and he said nothing at all to me. Not what I had envisioned, but then again, not what my pessimistic personality had imagined either.
The next day he texted ashley and talked to her a bit, and said that he needed to say something to her- I assume about me. He hasn't yet.

This past weekend... well... Miah looks great. He's definitely lost weight, and I think his hair is thicker and darker. It's longer too. He's mastered the whole look-up-at-you-from-under-his-eyelashes thing... which while singing made him look alot like Elvis. Especially when he incorporated his Billy Idol sneer into the face (which I may or may not have taught him to do). I haven't really been able to get his song from the show out of my head since. And when it's not that song, it's either Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison, You're my best friend by Queen or Faithfully or Lights by Journey. every one of those songs reminds me of him. Damnit.

On our way home home to St. George from Logan... I saw three shooting stars. And on every one I wished that Miah and I could just patch things up and be friends.

And that's the whole story. I mean, I've dated other guys since Miah and had a blast. I've even began and ended a relationship with a boyfriend since him. I went hot tubbing with a boy named Josh last night. College is so fun.
I put away the pictures of us and all of the memories and things that remind me of him are securely tucked away... But Miah will always be in my heart. He left his mark, he took his piece. He'll always be the one that got away. And to be completely honest, I think that I will never know who the right one is until I get a real fair shot at a relationship with him. Which may never happen... but a girl can always dream."