This morning we got up and ate breakfast. Her notboyfriendsituation Kenny came over to discuss their relationship while I got ready for church. Basically I guess now she's in the same boat as me. Isn't it grand? I then curled her hair and we went to her ward. Then we found out that it's fast Sunday! Oh well. Alex was late to Sacrament Meeting, but he sat by us.
Have you ever had that feeling where your heart pounds out of your chest and your nerves seem to freeze up and the spirit practically pushes you out of your chair and kicks your butt and says, "GO BEAR YOUR TESTIMONY!" ? Well I haven't felt that way in a good year or so... but today I felt it, and I felt it stronger than I think I ever had. I knew I was supposed to go up there... but as soon as I had committed myself to getting up and going, there were only ten minutes left for bearing testimonies and a line of four people waiting to go. So I didn't get the chance today, but I plan to go next time around.
After Sacrament meeting we all went to Sunday School and had a lesson on honesty. To be honest I can't remember much from it, other than lying, cheating and stealing is wrong. That means no more pirating music. That means... freaking iTunes is going to make bank from me.
Evie and I didn't go to Relief Society. We came back to my apartment, had Goulash for lunch and fudgecicles for dessert. We read a chapter out of 3rd Nephi. Then she took me to the Institute building so I could meet with my bishopric. That dreaded meeting that I've been putting off for the last three weeks...
When I got into the institute building, I sat down with the Bishop and he explained everything, how the disciplinary council works, etc. He gave me a letter that said:
"Dear Sister ____,
The Bishopric of the College __th Ward is considering formal disciplinary action in your behalf, including the possibility of disfellowshipment, because your are reported to have participated in conduct unbecoming of a member of the Church.
You are invited to attend this disciplinary council to give your response and, if you wish, provide witness and other evidence on your behalf. The disciplinary council will be held on Sunday, March 7, 2010 at 4:30 PM at the _______ Institute of Religion in the bishop's office.
We look forward to meeting you at that time.
Sincerely,
(Bishop's Signature)
(Bishop's name)
(Ward name)
Delivered by (1st counselor's signature & date)
Delivered by (2nd counselor's signature & date)
Received by (my signature & date)"
The bishop proceeds to tell me that I'm doing the right thing by coming to the meeting and that this is the right place for me to be. He says that with more members of the bishopric the spirit is magnified and it gives me more of a chance to grow. He says that both of the counselors have been bishops before so they've been doing this longer than he has. He made it very clear that the three of them all love me very much. At this point I'm feeling calm. A little anxious, but more just bummed and mad at myself for getting myself into this mess.
Mom texts me and says "Don't let The Church make you feel bad. EVER. They are just men. They put their pants on just like you do every day: one leg at a time."
I can hear one of my favorite hymns, "Lead, Kindly Light" playing in a distant classroom. The other members of bishopric join us, and we start with prayer by the first counselor. It was probably a beautiful prayer, but I was too busy saying my own prayer, asking the Lord for his love and comfort. I then felt an overwhelming sense of peace, as if the Lord wrapped his arms around me and just held me there.
The bishop starts by talking about my past a bit. He goes over what I've told him in the past and asks if I'd like to clarify anything. I end up telling them my entire life story, everything from Andrew and the engagement to the rape to the shoplifiting, the porn, the everything. They ask about my family situation and how it relates to church. They asked me to clarify a few things. The whole time they each spoke very carefully, as if they were walking on eggshells. The bishop then asked me why I chose to come and speak with the bishopric. If these are the types of things I've been doing, why is it that I want to stop? I tell them that I've had far too many amazing spiritual experiences to deny the truthfulness of the Church. I know the type of person I've been before and I know that I can be her again, and I want to get back there. I then at this point notice that the first counselor is taking notes. They asked for the name of the guy that raped me. I told them but only because its a common name and he isn't a member and I have no idea where lives now. They asked if I ever told anyone. I told them that only my closest friends know. Not even my own mother knows. They wanted his name because they wanted to try and stop him from doing it again, but I'm pretty sure they'll never get to him. The second counselor tells me that the rape wasn't my fault. I start bawling. They thank me for being so open blunt and candid with laying everything out on the table. They then send me out of the room so they can all council together so they can decide what to do with me and what guidance to give me.
Well I sat in the waiting area and fidgeted for a good fifteen or twenty minutes before they asked me to come back in. I sat down, and the bishop has a little notecard in front of him with a list of scribbles that I couldn't decipher from where I sat. He tells me that they have decided that what would be best to do is to put me on Formal Probation- essentially, I am under close watch of the bishopric for the next year; meeting with one the bishop or all three of them every Sunday for an update on what I've been doing. They set up a list of rules and guidelines for me to follow, and they don't want me to take the sacrament for the duration of my probation (which will probably be about a year). They said they'd type up the list and give it to me next Sunday when I meet with the Bishop again. Off the top of my head, though, here's the list:
1. Read the scriptures daily.
2. Pray, aloud, on my knees, daily.
3. Go through my wardrobe, and begin dressing more modestly. This one caught me off guard, because I normally dress rather modestly, but they said that the reason for this one is so that I don't come across as a piece of meat to men around me. They don't want me to become walking pornography for the men around me, and they want me to protect myself from letting immoral acts happen in the future. It's also so I can prepare for temple marriage and wearing garments.
4. Attend church weekly. All meetings.
5. Continue to serve faithfully in my calling (relief society chorister).
and for right now that's really all I can remember... I know there were a few more. They also asked me if I was comfortable performing in Miss Saigon. What I ended up telling them was that I would be wearing a mask, and I would be portraying someone who wasn't me. I told them I was just fine doing it.
Anyway. I hugged each of them and left, changed into my sweatpants in the bathroom and walked home. My mom texted me:
"about a year ago the stake pres spoke in my sacrament meeting begging people to apply to work in the temple. So I got an application thinking I could play the organ maybe early on saturday mornings. I filled it all out but then there was this little part at the bottom that said that if the applicant [had done this in his or her past] that they could not apply. It made me sad then mad. They will allow me to do music in the wards and stakes- take my money for tithing and other stuff and suck me dry of my music ability but not allow me to play the blasted organ in the temple. So, I kept plugging away at going over there to play piano for primary- but ended up getting substitutes a lot of the weeks because I was pretty bitter. In January, the primary second counselor moved out. So the chorister got called to be the new counselor and I was called to be the chorister. I did it a total of two times then let the primary president know that I was not coming back. That was about 6 weeks ago."
She then called me and told me how upset she was, and she said that she is pretty much going inactive. She says that whatever I decide in the church she will support me- whether it's to keep going and meeting with the Bishop or to quit going. I told her that I just want to get to the Celestial Kingdom, and I want to know that I did everything I could in this life to get there. I don't want to get to the Judgment Day and be worried about whether or not they'll let me in. She told me she was proud of me, and she thinks that she'll have no idea as to whether or not they'll let her in.
And, well? that's that. Kind of a heavy post tonight. I just want to be held tonight. Someone call Alex and tell him.
Grant's facebook status tonight said:
"Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future."
Which is an Oscar Wilde quote.
It just hit me in a soft spot I guess, because of the day's events.
And so, begins the journey.
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