I've always beat myself up over the fact that I am not a perfect Mormon angel child. I've made a lot of mistakes. I was always very upset with myself. I blamed my hormones. I told myself there was something wrong with me.
Later down the road, after I'd "fixed" everything, I screwed up once more. Again, I suffered the hatred of myself and the negative self-talk... Finally I left Utah and everything it stood for and took off for Florida. I felt alive. I had no guilt. I learned to love myself despite my love of... being loved. It's not abnormal to love to be loved.
I need to realize that my past shapes who I am. I would not be the Alexa that everyone knows today without the experiences I have backing me. And I like who I am. So I need to accept it.
Living in Utah is hard. I converted two months after I moved here and found that living in the LDS church in Utah - especially when you know what it's like living somewhere else - is very, very difficult. You're constantly judged by other people and by your own self. That's a big reason I left the Church - for my own sanity.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you've found that there's nothing wrong with you. And I think going to WDW was good for you. :)